In an attempt to slow the spread of coronavirus, Britain has been ordered into lockdown, which in reality is far less dramatic than it sounds and generally involves a lot more sighing and watching stuff on YouTube.
The government’s extreme response to COVID-19 has shocked idiots sitting in Wetherspoons bragging about their spare bedroom full of hand sanitiser and dried pasta, who thought social distancing meant waiting an extra five minutes before replying to a text message.
The new rules mean that police are now able to shoot anyone who looks a bit peaky and can hand out fines to anyone they believe is thinking about coughing. Congregating on internet forums is banned, as is group messaging. The only exceptions to the lockdown are for:
Manufacturing toilet roll
Getting more toilet roll in
Going to the shops to ask when they’ll be getting more toilet roll in
In an attempt to address the toilet paper shortage, the NHS has issued advice reminding people that the Daily Mail is still being printed.
COVID-19, the plucky coronavirus that’s transmitted largely via cruise ships, has exposed human civilisation for what it is – a construct as fragile as Donald Trump’s ego.
Governments have been rendered impotent in the face of the virus’s spread and, to no-one’s surprise, it turns out the made-up trading system responsible for the financial well-being of seven billion people is controlled by jittery bastards who’ll shit their britches and sell their grandmothers at the first hint of a light drizzle. Not the best time to start rationing the sale of toilet roll.
While bankers get crap happy over numbers on a screen, it’s fluorescently obvious to anyone else that the world’s financial system is based on one simple premise: keep your fingers crossed and hope everything will be okay forever. And when it isn’t, panic and dump everything. Then buy it back.
It doesn’t matter how bad things get. As long as the finely balanced, wafer thin system of human existence doesn’t totally break down and someone is making money, everything is copacetic. Everything’s made out of fluff painted to look like steel, and all it takes is a relatively mild virus to show it up for what it really is.
Someone somewhere is getting rich(er) off all this, though, so that’s okay.