Coronavirus: Britain in lockdown

Boris Johnson looking pissed off because coronavirus means he has to do some work
Porridge and hay: the face of Britain

In an attempt to slow the spread of coronavirus, Britain has been ordered into lockdown, which in reality is far less dramatic than it sounds and generally involves a lot more sighing and watching stuff on YouTube.

The government’s extreme response to COVID-19 has shocked idiots sitting in Wetherspoons bragging about their spare bedroom full of hand sanitiser and dried pasta, who thought social distancing meant waiting an extra five minutes before replying to a text message.

The new rules mean that police are now able to shoot anyone who looks a bit peaky and can hand out fines to anyone they believe is thinking about coughing. Congregating on internet forums is banned, as is group messaging. The only exceptions to the lockdown are for:

  • Manufacturing toilet roll
  • Getting more toilet roll in
  • Going to the shops to ask when they’ll be getting more toilet roll in

In an attempt to address the toilet paper shortage, the NHS has issued advice reminding people that the Daily Mail is still being printed.

Coronavirus: things to do to amuse yourself while self-isolating

Coronavirus: things to do to amuse yourself while self-isolating
COVID-19, n-n-n-n-nineteen

Trapped in your home because of coronavirus, boredom could become another invisible enemy. Here’s a list of ways to amuse yourself while self-isolating:

  1. Paralyse yourself with fear by watching the rolling news channels
  2. Barricade your doors and windows in case coronavirus zombies break in and steal all your toilet roll
  3. That. Obviously
  4. Think about all the people who voted leave in the EU referendum because we survived the Blitz who are now raiding supermarkets to panic-buy dried pasta and paracetamol
  5. Learn to play the trumpet. It will occupy your mind and your self-isolating neighbours will appreciate your efforts to better yourself
  6. Practice holding your breath until you can do it for 18 months
  7. Write pointless blog posts that are no use to anyone

Coronavirus 1, bankers 0

Leonardo DiCrapio celebrates losing $130 billion of pretend money because of coronavirus
Who’s cleaning up after that party? I bet it isn’t you, mate.

COVID-19, the plucky coronavirus that’s transmitted largely via cruise ships, has exposed human civilisation for what it is – a construct as fragile as Donald Trump’s ego.

Governments have been rendered impotent in the face of the virus’s spread and, to no-one’s surprise, it turns out the made-up trading system responsible for the financial well-being of seven billion people is controlled by jittery bastards who’ll shit their britches and sell their grandmothers at the first hint of a light drizzle. Not the best time to start rationing the sale of toilet roll.

While bankers get crap happy over numbers on a screen, it’s fluorescently obvious to anyone else that the world’s financial system is based on one simple premise: keep your fingers crossed and hope everything will be okay forever. And when it isn’t, panic and dump everything. Then buy it back.

It doesn’t matter how bad things get. As long as the finely balanced, wafer thin system of human existence doesn’t totally break down and someone is making money, everything is copacetic. Everything’s made out of fluff painted to look like steel, and all it takes is a relatively mild virus to show it up for what it really is.

Someone somewhere is getting rich(er) off all this, though, so that’s okay.