Coronavirus: Uncle Nutcase blows a gasket

Uncle Nutcase, pictured here blowing a gasket at his daily Coronavirus briefing
Ding dong

“…thank you Dr Fauci for that entirely voluntary statement about my perfect response to this virus, your family will be released without harm.

“The great job I’ve been doing defeating this virus bears no relation to the facts in the fake stories printed with the fake ink in the fake newspapers sold by fake people to fake readers – I’m looking at you, CNN – you print the worst stories I’ve ever seen on the radio.

“All you press guys are always saying how I was late dealing with this virus but my response started back in 1952 – which is a real year, you can look it up – way before anyone else knew it was a threat. I wasn’t the president then – many people thought I should have been, even though I was only eight years old, can you imagine, it would have been great – but I stopped all the planes flying from China, China, even though everybody said it was too soon, too soon.

“In 1973, way before I saw any of the memos I didn’t see, I declared a state of emergency and stopped all the planes to China again, that’s how good my reaction was, there were actually negative numbers of planes coming out of China, and I asked Boeing to make a billion masks, the N95 masks because they’re the best masks. We could have had the N94 masks but I said no. Boeing actually hung up on me, can you believe that? They hung up on me. It was amazing. I was amazed.

“Then in 1989 – 1989 – I began personally testing people for the virus, but you won’t see that in the fake news, I’m looking at you Cindy, you’re the worst – why can’t you guys print the truth, would it kill you to say something nice about me. I mean, if you don’t say something nice about me it might kill you but I’m joking, I’m joking.

“Now here’s a short 15 minute video my staff made without any prompting from me – they’re really great guys, really great – about how perfect my response to this virus has been. It has the genuine facts – genuine facts so true they aren’t even on the internet…”

Coronavirus: latest from today’s Trump briefing

Donald Trump pictured giving the latest news at today's coronavirus briefing with Vice President Mike Piss
Donald Trump with Vice President Mike Piss

“…It’s really a terrific virus, very very strong virus, really great but we’re going to, and I think Mike agrees with me here, we’re going to build a lot of tiny ventilators – a lot – and inject those into the people to fight the virus. It’s really amazing, the miniaturisation, these new ventilators are no bigger than a golf ball and the doctors, they’ll just, you know, inject these things into the patients and everything’s cured. Completely cured. The virus just goes away. It’s really incredible. We should have this treatment out there in the hospitals in a couple of months, it’ll be amazing. If you look at the data you’ll see the treatment is already working, it’s that good…”

Coronavirus: Trump saves the day

Trump saves the day
The very picture of health

“I spoke to the President of Coronavirus this morning on the phone. Beautiful phone call. He really is a great guy, he’s very misunderstood. He assured me that it was safe for everyone to go back to work and I believe him. Great guy. He told me, you know, I was doing a great job and I said the same to him. There’s a lot of fake news out there about Coronavirus – I’m looking at you, scientists – lots of scaremongering. But it’s time for everyone to get back to work. I just know it’s going to be great.”