Weekend Sports Report

Golfer Braxton Slacks is pictured here throwing a golf club in the air which I have wilfully misinterpreted as a display of telekinesis for "comedic" purposes
“And for my next trick…”

Golf: Drama in the sport of dullards as reasonably famous golfer Braxton Slacks (above) was disqualified from the Anusol Soothing Eighteen Holes Outdoor Open Masters Open Tournament Masters for an overt use of telekinesis. Further up the field (also known as the fairway), hot favourites Roundabout Spleen and Tom Golfer were erased from existence by an as yet unborn golf-hating time traveller.

Baseball: Drama on Saturday as the Minnesota Baseball Players beat the Pittsburgh Douchebags by 16 cases of coronavirus to 9. As a result Major League Baseball has announced that future games will take place with each team in a separate stadium on different continents and the commentators on the International Space Station.

Tennis: Drama erupted this weekend for the first time in tennis history when world number one Willie Waever was disqualified from his match with fellow world number one Chutney Gimbal for arguing with the umpire, the net, the grass, a man he called at random on his mobile phone, and the sky.

Chivalry: Drama at the North European World Pan-Asian Chivalry Finals when top doubles teaming Pimples O’Frimp and Towser Brony tossed their cloaks onto rival pair Trapezium Jones and Yampers Gymbag’s puddle, causing widespread swooning.

Cricket: Drama in the third test twice removed between France and Kazakhstan in the North Atlantic when both teams were swallowed by an unusually large penguin.