“I’m doing it on the advice of my wife Malaria.”
A girl scout poses with President Donald Trump during a ceremony organised by the president in the Rose Garden of the White House to recognise him as “Best President Ever”, Friday, May 15, 2020, in Washington. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon).
“It’s called Space Force because Trump’s Galactic Ass Wipes wouldn’t fit on the flag.”
“…China. China. China. I have the intelligence guys, the FBI, CIA, NSA, ATF, BBC, NHS, the Secret Service, the Not-So Secret Service, the Extremely Secret Service, the CSI, PCP, LOL, BRB, OMG and WTF, all looking into China.
“My top medical experts and heads of intelligence and the fake news all tell me the virus occurred naturally but I have a friend, Mike – great guy, likes yachts – who saw a tweet about a movie where there was an outbreak, that the guy in the tweet hadn’t seen, who said they were doing something in a lab and something happened, and I gotta tell you, I was convinced. China has a lot to answer for and I have instructed my intelligence agencies to find proof that China let the virus out of a lab. I won’t accept any other theories, unless they involve aliens or some sort of genetically-enhanced super-puma.
“Let me tell you, even though there’s no evidence for China letting the virus out of a lab I’ve seen evidence that they did. I can’t tell you what that evidence is, even though I already have, so just forget what I said about that. China is responsible for all these people dying – not me – and we’re going to issue big punishments, very powerful punishments. We’re going to put tariffs and debt and sanctions in places like you’ve never seen. We’re going to withhold whatever it is we export to them and then the virus will just miraculously disappear. It’s going to be amazing, truly. Vote for me.”
“…what you just heard Dr Faffengannet, uh, Mr Lampenpooper, Agent Spaceranger from the NSA say, is that sunlight is the key. Heat and sunlight. And disinfectant. Even though the virus may not come back in the winter, we’re trying to get the sun to stick around all year. Usually it just goes away for the winter, goes on vacation – can’t do that this year, can’t do that – so we’re hoping for big things.
“If that doesn’t work out there are other things we can do. We could maybe fly the sick people to the sun or invade the sun I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. I’m not a doctor. I’m just spitballing here, even though you shouldn’t spit right now, or ever, it’s not nice. I spoke to the governor of Georgia earlier and he agreed with me that spitting isn’t nice, which was nice. He’s a great guy, that guy, no spitting, doesn’t spit. Great guy.
“And if the sun doesn’t work out that’s okay. We have these things called fires these days. Fires. They’re amazing really. A really powerful fire could maybe cure the sick people. Could we inject the people with fire, maybe pump it into the lungs, kill the virus? Is that doable, Dr Birx? I don’t know, I’m not an arsonist.
“And there’s the bleach, the disinfectant, the bleach. That kills the virus in a minute. A minute. Can you imagine? We could remove the lungs maybe, the lungs of the sick people, and wash them down with bleach. You see that in the movies but I don’t know if it works, I’m not an actor, though I used to be an actor. I was in Home Alone 2, big movie. I was the kid in that, did you know that? A lot of people thought I was the guy in the hotel but I was the kid. Some people said it was the best acting they’d ever seen, but the fake news said I was the guy in the hotel and they never gave me the Oscar. So I gave up the acting. I was very busy anyway.
“I know you fake news guys though, you’ll say the NSA, what do they know about viruses? Are you ready? My computer had a virus – not the corona, not the plague, but a virus – and they sent a guy and he cured my computer. Completely cured. No more virus. I should have had the Oscar that year…”
The world was reeling this morning after Donald Trump revealed at his latest coronavirus briefing that he had done a ban on China in January.
“I did a ban on China in January,” Trump told stunned reporters. “I banned China. Nobody wanted to do that. I didn’t want to do that. But I stopped China. China. I had a billion maps printed without China on them. China ceased to exist for a little while there, let me tell you. I did a ban on China. There were 21 guys in the room and 29 of them didn’t want a ban on China but I did a ban on China. We had 15 cases, 10 cases, there were no cases in America. Nobody had died but I did a ban on China and if I hadn’t done a ban on China we would have had 400 million deaths just in America. But because I did the ban on China we’ve had only a few deaths – some people even came back to life I heard, which is something that’s never happened before. China. They looked at me like I was crazy but I did the ban on China and now we don’t need testing – even though we have the best tests, beautiful tests – because I did the ban on China. You know when I did the ban? January. January. No-one had even heard of the virus in January, but I knew and I did the ban. I banned China. China.”
“…can be cured by hitting it with a brick. As a result, I will be suspending America’s contributions to the World Health Organization, the World Organization for Health, the Organization for World Health and the Health Organization for the World. Also, the World Wildlife Fund – because I don’t like wildlife, hate wildlife – the Seven Wonders of the World, World of Tanks, World of Warcraft, World War II – but not World War I – the World Wide Web, the World Trade Center and Guinness World Records.
“All those organizations, all those organizations, covered up China’s role in the virus outbreak and the World Wildlife Fund in particular – we all know what they’ve been up to with the pandas, I’ll tell you about it someday. That’s not right, what they’re doing with the pandas. They’re bears, you know, pandas – that’s why we call them panda bears. I didn’t know that until yesterday but I’ve always known that.
“The ventilators, we’ve made so many ventilators. The best ventilators. We could have had the ventilators that killed people but we made the good kind of ventilator. We’ve built thousands of ventilators – two, nearly three thousand ventilators. We’ve got ventilators coming out of our factories. NASA built a space ventilator in case space gets the virus. The states were all saying we need 40,000 ventilators but I sent them 20 or 30 ventilators and no-one’s died – no-one in America has died from the virus, we’ve done a job like you wouldn’t believe…”