“First of all, I’d like to say that it’s good to be back at work after my battle with the coronavirus, from which I nearly died. But I’m not here to talk about that.
“This virus, which I had and which nearly killed me, is like an invisible mugger, stealing your health wallet and your stability smartphone and threatening you with a big disruption knife. This is the moment when we have begun, together, to wrestle it to the floor and kick it in the recovery nuts until it pukes up its contagion pelvis. In that sense, we have defied so many mugger-based predictions.
“We did not run out of ventilators or ICU beds. Despite my party’s best efforts, we did not allow our NHS to collapse, and on the contrary we have so far collectively shielded our NHS so that, armed with nothing more than three pairs of Marigold gloves and a bottle of supermarket own-brand bleach, our incredible doctors and nurses and healthcare staff have been able to shield all of us from an outbreak that would have been far worse.
“What that means is that we are obviously giving the NHS far too much money and I will be working urgently to provide a comprehensive program of cuts to ensure that never happens again. Hooray for me.”
“…can be cured by hitting it with a brick. As a result, I will be suspending America’s contributions to the World Health Organization, the World Organization for Health, the Organization for World Health and the Health Organization for the World. Also, the World Wildlife Fund – because I don’t like wildlife, hate wildlife – the Seven Wonders of the World, World of Tanks, World of Warcraft, World War II – but not World War I – the World Wide Web, the World Trade Center and Guinness World Records.
“All those organizations, all those organizations, covered up China’s role in the virus outbreak and the World Wildlife Fund in particular – we all know what they’ve been up to with the pandas, I’ll tell you about it someday. That’s not right, what they’re doing with the pandas. They’re bears, you know, pandas – that’s why we call them panda bears. I didn’t know that until yesterday but I’ve always known that.
“The ventilators, we’ve made so many ventilators. The best ventilators. We could have had the ventilators that killed people but we made the good kind of ventilator. We’ve built thousands of ventilators – two, nearly three thousand ventilators. We’ve got ventilators coming out of our factories. NASA built a space ventilator in case space gets the virus. The states were all saying we need 40,000 ventilators but I sent them 20 or 30 ventilators and no-one’s died – no-one in America has died from the virus, we’ve done a job like you wouldn’t believe…”
“…Ventilators ventilators ventilators. Ventilators. Give me ventilators. If you got ventilators and you don’t want to give me the ventilators I personally guarantee – I personally guarantee – that I will come to your hospital and I will punch you in the nuts. If we get ventilators then ba-da-boom-ba-da-bing we got ventilators. Masks – we don’t have masks. It’s a mask. How hard is it to make a mask? I could pull masks out of my freakin’ ass but the goddam federal government couldn’t find a mask in its own ass with both hands and a torch! And gowns! I mean look at the gowns – they look like crap. Can’t we get some gowns that don’t look like they’re made out of freakin’ toilet paper or something? This isn’t rocket science, people – what do I gotta do to get some freakin’ PPE? What? Hey, I’m walking here!”
British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced via Twitter that he has mild symptoms.
“Over the last 24 hours I have developed mild symptoms,” he said in a video message attached to his tweet. “I was immediately tested and the results were positive for mild symptoms. My symptoms are mild but my mild symptoms will not stop me from appearing on television every night to champion the NHS, which I intend to sell to pay for my mild symptom treatment.”
He continued: “Together we will beat my mild symptoms and, by together, I mean I will beat them with three ventilators and the best doctors available and you can do what you like.”