“Free poison for everyone who didn’t vote for me!”
“Hello old woman. I have poison on my hands. You will be dead in 15 minutes. Nice to meet you.”
A new side effect of COVID-19 has been discovered by doctors in Russia, who have found that expressing concern about the government’s handling of the pandemic will often be accompanied by a feeling of falling out of a window.
One doctor, who tested positive for coronavirus, was gripped with the urge to criticise the country’s response to the health crisis on social media. He later complained of serious head injuries and broken bones after unexpectedly self-defenestrating with no witnesses.
And in separate incidents two more doctors – both asymptomatic – who raised similar concerns about the management of the outbreak died after experiencing the newly discovered side effect.
“It’s so strange,” one medical professional said, while mysteriously falling out of a window, “But there have been no reports of these symptoms in any other countryyyyyy.”
As Donald Trump gallops over democracy on a fascist horse that looks like Vladimir Putin, barely sentient third division footballer Stephen Yaxley Lennon is hailed as the “backbone of this country” by far-right crap-stick Steve Bannon, and Theresa May, Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and Jacob Rees-Mogg fight for the right to captain a completely needless Brexit toward the unforgiving rocks of Clusterfuck Island, it’s worth wondering: why shouldn’t you get into a cupboard, curl up in a ball and hide there for the rest of your life?
It’s a good question. Aside from starving to death or dying of thirst, there are other practical reasons why hiding in a cupboard won’t work. When Rees-Mogg’s Well-Dressed Dystopian Nazi Steampunk Top-Hat Death Squads come knocking on your door, for example, your cupboards are one of the first places they’ll look for you.
“What are you doing in that cupboard?” they’ll say.
“Everything is awful and I can’t take it any more,” you’ll say.
“Ah, we know whose fault that is,” they’ll say. “Come with us,” they’ll say.
So before that happens, get out of your cupboard and have a good look out of your window at the queasy gobfarts who are threatening to barf up a dismal new wave of fascist hate chunks.
Bewildering small-handed real estate hairdo, reality TV presenter, golfer and part-time President of the United States (at time of writing), Donald Trump is known for his love of treason, money, racism and himself. He has been under the control of Russia and syphilitic brain worms since 1998.
President of Russia, megalomaniac slaphead, low-rent Bond villain and pectoral exhibitionist Vlad is, for reasons of declining mental health, intent on pulling the world to bits for a laugh, using gullible narcissistic wankbats like Donald Trump and some of the humanoid shitwizards mentioned below. Vlad’s hobbies include murdering people and getting away with it and taking his shirt off and riding horsies.
Bannon, former chief strategist to Donald Trump and collection of animated dandruff, is a globe-trotting fascist who has visited Britain and met with Boris Johnson, Jacob Rees-Mogg and Michael Gove, three of Brexit’s most punchable proponents. He pops up from time to time like a boil or an unwanted erection, sticking his finger into the bumhole of far-right politics in the hope of tickling populism’s prostate.
Johnson’s career as the UK’s favourite humorous bumbling adulterous racist stood him in good stead when it came to lying his arse off during the Brexit campaign where he claimed that, by remaining in the EU, the UK would be forced to make square apples in Brussels sweatshops and to adopt the kilo as its unit of currency. By leaving he said, via a large bus, the NHS could receive an extra £360 million per week – a statement he made while pushing a foreign nurse into a wood chipper on live TV.
Odious arsepencil Jacob Rees-Mogg is a passionate supporter of Brexit, the 1950s, workhouses, cholera, and pea-soupers. Still bitter after being fired from his position as Thin Controller during the privatisation of the railways, Rees-Mogg won’t rest until every employed person in Britain isn’t any more.
Tiny, puny little Michael Gove is widely thought to be a harmless little shit which is why he’s most likely, post-Brexit, to become Prime Minister of the smouldering what’s left of the United Kingdom.
Stephen Yaxley Lennon
Whimpering spud Tommy Robinson is such a man of the people he doesn’t even use his real name because it sounds too posh. He is too wearyingly dismal to even contemplate.
Nigel intends to distance himself from the coming stupidity war until he deems it safe to emerge and sell chocolate and nylons from under his camel-hair coat.